Friday, July 10, 2009

Buy, baby, buy!

Brian in New Orleans gets a grand slam! Here he is, drinking and smoking, using the language to match the foul mood- kids beware, getting the fine service there that we get around here, only in America:

You are the only one who understands. We went out to dinner tonight at Denny's. Ordered the senior meal with salad. Salad came we ate and waited playing 45 games of hangman on a napkin. waitress with hideous tattoos and body piercing comes over and asks if we ordered anything but the salad. I told we had ordered a goddamn, fuckin' free meal and so she said she forgot to write anything down. Meal finally comes an hour after we are there and it is cold! I take the onion rings in a napkin and we walk out. So after the dinner from hell we go to the actual hell on earth, WalMart. I am in a foul mood but do my best to help Terry with this grocery shopping. I hate this place but she says some things are cheaper. I say let's just do without these things and shop at the family market downtown where they will actually deliver if you want and have a great bakery and deli. But Noooooooooooo. Finally I can't take anymore and am just thinking of having a martini and 12 fags when I get home. I leave the store following some Mexican-Americans with a couple of children. The imbecile employee asks to see their receipt and holds everyone up from getting out of this hellhole which I can't stand-maybe because of the lights or the muzak or the smell of Chinese underwear. Finally I get out and sit on a bench and smoke my brains out thinking I did not lead a mis-spent youth and a few martinis ain't gonna kill me. Fuck dinner--just smoke and drink. What the hell. The Mexicans? Terry was not asked for receipt. This is racial profiling but of course it is Wallyworld. If I was Mexican I'd be on the phone to my fuckin' lawyer right now instead of getting shitfaced.

And Edison takes on the Barcode Readers:

Barcode Readers:

These are the little electronic doo-hickies appended to the cash registers at all big box stores. This allows register people who can’t read to run a register. This also allows the big boxers to hire specialists who are chewing gum challenged to take care of the money. Nearly all products at these places have bar codes. Most smaller stores use them as well, although their programming often has a lot more glitches and far less support at the mothership. Barcode Readers read barcodes and enter the product and price on the cash register. Do not expect them to translate Liturgical Latin, but that’s why they can be fun. These expensive toys have a very limited application. If the visible barcode is compromised in any way, the reader just can’t deal with it. After a couple tries the register person, if there is one, will either call someone who knows how to deal with this sort of thing, or they may just shove it through the belt without scanning the item. Please remember that in BigBoxLand all register clerks are being watched or at least recorded on camera, and are petrified of appearing to mess-up. If they do something that is noticed to be amiss they may be subject to what WallyWorld refers to as “Coaching”. This is a rather unpleasant meeting with the store manager or assistant manager that resembles a bad performance of an Elk’s Club Ritual. Please note that Elk’s Clubs at least serve alcohol, and no one’s job is on the line. The register clerks will do almost anything to not be noticed. If you are a register clerk, and don’t mind being fired, try going to the register with no money in your pocket (this is important) and sticking your hands in your pockets between customers. You will be “Coached” with extreme prejudice. After a near strip search, the store manager will lose it when they don’t find anything in the search. Their blood pressure will rise in exponential levels, and they will want to vent. Let them vent. Laughing or smirking is not recommended at this time. Save that for later especially if you can get a copy of this recorded performance from someone working in Security. Help me out as well… post it on youtube, and send me the link. The most fun you can have with a barcode reader, especially when a register clerk is present, is to make sure a couple product barcodes are compromised. You don’t need to be heroic, or over do this. Many products are roughly and quickly stocked on shelves and minor product creasing can cause the optics of the barcode readers to “gang aglay”. I tend to look for creases in packaging. If I am unsuccessful in my search, I will take notes on the packaging with a “Sharpie” near the barcode area. Notes in strange foreign languages seem to work the best for me. Sometimes you just need to try to get important phrases in your life translated into Pig Latin. Do you feel the need Brothers and Sisters? Spontaneous Fanatic Religious Exclamations are also a favorite if you can’t conjure-up a bout with Tourettes. Do not under any circumstances alter the barcode to resemble the barcode of another product. It could be illegal. The sad thing is that in most cases a register clerk will never examine the barcode of an item that won’t optically scan properly. Sometimes your “Sharpie” brilliance may be overlooked. Floor Walkers generally always inspect a compromised barcode.

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