Friday, August 29, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
I'm pretty excited. And here is what Future Cabinet Member Uncy has to say about it:
Uncy: F$*&IN-A! Ninjas are sweet! And it's about goddamn time we had a ninja in the White^H^H^H^H^HAubergine House!
me: Hell yeah! I hadn't even thought of that! Maybe if I train really hard, I can go all stealth in the back door in November!
Uncy: Just totally flip-out and annihilate the other candidates?
me: Annihilate without their even knowing it! The guy who teaches here in Laramie has been doing so for 25 years. Class trains outside at LaBonte Park until it gets too cold in October- and too dark. I will send you the list of stuff in the schools.
me: It's actually Budo. The Bujinkan Dojo International is comprised of nine different schools: Togakure Ryu Ninjutsu, Gyokko Ryu Koshijutsu, Kukishinden Ryu Happo Hikenjutsu, Shinden Fudo Ryu Dakentaijutsu, Gyokushin Ryu Ninpo, Koto Ryu Koppojutsu, Gikan Ryu Koppojutsu, Takagi Yoshin Ryu Jutaijutsu, Kumogakure Ryu Ninpo.
Within these nine schools you can find eighteen traditional topics of study; they include: Taijutsu - unarmed fighting, Ninja Ken - ninja sword, Bojutsu - long and short stick fighting, Shurikenjutsu - throwing weapons, Yarijutsu - spear fighting, Naginatajutsu - halberd fighting, Kusari Gama - chain and sickle, Hensojutsu - disguises, Shinobi iri - stealth and infiltration, techniques, Sui ren - water training, Bo ryaku - strategy, Cho ho - espionage, Intonjutsu - escape and evasion, Tenmon - meteorology, Chimon - geography.
Uncy: METEOROLOGY! Damn, I mean, I knew ninjas were sweet and all, but I had no idea that THEY COULD CONTROL THE WEATHER!
me: I know it. And the GEOGRAPHY!Isn't that the same as controlling the world?
Uncy: Well, you'd obviously be able to make the Earth split open and swallow your enemies. I mean, DUH, right?
me: Like W?And Karl Rove?
Uncy: Yeah, though you've got to wonder if they wouldn't trigger the earth's gag reflex.
me: Well, it's like good ol' Dad says, when the Old Girl is ready to toss us all off, she'll just do it. Maybe the Bush Administration is the straw that breaks the camel's back.
Uncy: Could be. Plus McCain and his goddamn off-shore drilling isn't going to help.
me: I just want to howl at the crazy self-righteously p*ssed-off feminist b*tches who wanted Hillary and are all boo-hoo now and going to vote for McCain instead so they can lose their right to abortion. Can we all acknowledge these women aren't related to Mr. Spock in any way, shape or form, especially in that they are ILLOGICAL? (And petty, too. YUCK!)
Uncy: Amen, sister. I voted for Hil-dog in the primary, but I never once, not for a single f*&$ing nanosecond, considered voting for McCain just because she wasn't the eventual nominee. For f*&$'s sake. Have these people actually read or heard anything that McCain has said?
me: I forgive you for your indescretion. What cabinet post is it you want, anyway?
Uncy: He called the Vietnamese "gooks" for god's sake.
me: Well, I use some pretty choice words for Bush and his crew of miserable, selfish cronies, too.
Uncy: Me too, but I use words that can apply to anybody, like "soulless greedhead," "drink-addled knownothing," "brainless ninny", "hope-eating bacterium," "world-killing virii" and the like. I'd never say something like, "He's a nouveau-riche white trash fratboy punk."
me: All good for getting the point across, but I gotta know what post you want, Cabinet Head?
Uncy: Because that would be unfair to white people, fratboys, the n-riche and punks. Damn right. That's a good one. How about Anti-jackassery Czar.
me: That could work. Depending on your tactics, we could co-label you CEO of Population Control.
Uncy: That's cool too. I'm prepared to talk publicly about practicing zero population growth. (Blogger notes: Uncy has a couple kids. They're cute. And smart.)
me: Someone's got to do it. I worry about all these Hollywood yoyos having kids. I don't mean adopting kids and bringing them into the American Fold even, where they can be corrupted by privilege. I mean, HAVING BABIES.
Uncy: Yes, babies are the new Hollywood status symbol, and as usual, they have the most influence on society's least-capable. Like a dozen of teen girls in Glouscester. They come to think that having a baby is 'neat' and a way to make sure that somebody loves you. A way to get lots of attention. Save us, Jeebus.
me: That's right. Babies and teacup pets. Where is that Jeebus guy, anyway?
Uncy: He's just waiting until his big "*I* TOLD YOU *SO!*" is going to have the most massive impact, and we'll all be totally embarrassed.
me: I'm embarrassed already. K, got to take a shower and get to that thing I am lucky to have: WORK.
Uncy: Hear ya. Gotta work myself.
me: Later then. Be Ready to make your acceptance speech- on the back porch.
Uncy: HELL YEAHS!
(Now you know what you're in for if you vote for me. It could be an interesting and productive 4-8 years!)
Now for some real news: I was listening to Denver Progressive Talk Radio on the way home from my orthodontist appointment yesterday and heard Randi Rhodes talking with former Alabama Governor Don Siegelman, the Democrat who served his state for 26 years in a variety of elected roles and was imprisoned by the Republican Bush Administration. He suggested people visit http://www.contemptforrove.com/. This is serious business:
"Urge Congress to Find Rove in Contempt.
"Recently, the House Judiciary Committee subpoenaed Karl Rove, demanding his testimony about his own role in the politicization of the Department of Justice and politically motivated prosecutions of Democratic leaders, including me.
"Karl Rove refused to even show up for the hearing, claiming that Congress has no power to compel senior White House officials to testify. That's outrageous. Yet again, Karl Rove has showed his callous disregard for the law and for Congress' constitutional role as a co-equal branch of government.
"It's time for Congress to act: Forward an email to your Member of Congress below, urging him or her to support a contempt resolution against Karl Rove. If Karl Rove won't respond to a legitimate Congressional subpoena, it's time to turn up the heat." (from the home page)
Is this nation built on a Constitution, or the whims of those we allow power?
Monday, August 25, 2008
Which brings me to the Democratic National Convention, of which I needn't speak, since it's plastered all over the place in the electronic media. Even the BBC. All these people seem poised, in other parts of the world, to watch the United States of America finally walk outside the lines and hire someone besides some old- or aging- white guy- to represent their interests, and yet here we have increasing gaps between McCain and Obama in the polls, with Obama slipping. C'mon, American People, wake the hell up! (Or don't, and maybe I will be forced into embarrassed exile.)
OK, OK, I just spent about 20 minutes or something like that ranting and raving about McCain no longer being a man of principle (and my sadness about that, too) and hesitant Hillary supporters needing to drop their self-righteous pissed-offed-ness and think of Everyone for a change, and... and subsequently was thankful for the "Backspace" button and its capability to delete rapidly. I mean, after all, this is America, the Land of Opportunity, and I shouldn't deny anyone the opportunity to vote like a complete imbecile on November 4, if they choose to go out and vote. Who am I to impart my opinion on the masses? Hell, I might be elected President of this country someday, maybe even this year, and God Himself forbid that I present any sort of sense of moral or ethical principles before, during or even after my stint.
On that note, before collapsing into Dreamland, I would like to point out that there exists here on this blog, an ad for the Barrasso ("Barrasso Vows to Protect Ranchers from Wolves"- because wolves target ranchers like some people target chocolate-) campaign. Go figure. That's making me laugh until I pee my pants almost as much as Tropic Thunder did last night.
It's good to be alive and in the mood to laugh.
Friday, August 15, 2008
I am in love with this song, every single bit, including the dirty smelly rubberheaded monkey. How long has it been? The FFM could kick my arse for busting on chick singers who breathe and don't belt it out, while swooning over this guy's voice? But it's all just so right.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Anyway, this situation of course severely limits my computer time. I'll be back when Acer sees fit to fix and return the currently useless laptop I paid hundreds of dollars to have in my possession functioning. Who wants to bet on how long that will take?
God bless "Made in America," huh.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
1 :16% (404 votes)
2:29% (719 votes)
3:26% (649 votes)
4 or more:29% (720 votes)
None:1% (24 votes)
Total votes: 2516
That's from a question I just answered at Women'sHealthMag.com. Barry calls one of the FFM's magazines Men's Illness. Now, I'm not suggesting it's an illness to have more than one TV in a person's home. Lots of celebrities do, for instance. I know because I read about this in the tabloids and the online entertainment news. Probably most of these people's TVs are hand-me-downs, right? Like mine? I mean, with so many jobs disappearing in the country all the time, right? And with nobody having a job in the family, everybody must have something else to occupy his or her time, right? And it's not like in the olden days when I was a kid and the whole family sat down and watched the same sitcom and laughed together. Nowadays kids should be more and more building their own independent spirits in the home because they're going to go out on their own far away from the rest of the relations anyway, strike out on their own life journeys, and those are going to take place at computer screens, not with other live people, right? So their own TVs are like practice.
I feel better now. Forget I ever wrote this.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Thursday, August 7, 2008
All my friends out there who have kids, including those of you who have not yet busted me on the Gerber Baby Rant, I love your kids. Look, who plays with them endlessly until you want to send her adult-sized ass but child-sized demeanor to take a nap? That's me. Just because I never had kids doesn't mean I don't like them. I like them all the better because of it.
I solemnly promise here and now that when I am in Aubergine House, I will continue the fabulous Easter Egg Hunt on the Lawn tradition. Aw, don't say it now; wait until it happens: Thanks, Easter Bunny. Pock, pock!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
China revokes visa of gold medalist, Darfur activist Cheek
By Chris Chase
Olympic gold medalist and outspoken Darfur activist Joey Cheek has had his visa revoked by the Chinese embassy, hours before the speedskating champion was set to fly to China. And he wasn't even planning on wearing a mask when he got there.
Chinese officials don't need a reason to revoke anyone's visa but, in their eyes, they had plenty of reasons to snatch Cheek's. He is the founder of Team Darfur, a group of 70 athletes whose goal it is to raise global awareness of the human-rights violations taking part in the Darfur region of Sudan. China's military, economic and diplomatic ties to Sudan have been well-publicized in the lead-up to the Games.
Said Cheek of his ban in a prepared statement:
"I am saddened not to be able to attend the Games. The Olympic Games represent something powerful: that people can come together from around the world and do things that no one thought were possible. However, the denial of my visa is a part of a systemic effort by the Chinese government to coerce and threaten athletes who are speaking out on behalf of the innocent people of Darfur.
Cheek was going to China to support the athletes on Team Darfur -- including soccer player Abby Wambach -- and to promote the cause, one that he has championed for years. After winning gold in the Torino Games, Cheek announced he was donating his $25,000 USOC bonus to Darfur and implored his sponsors to do the same. It seems that Joey Cheek is truly one of the good guys.
And now he's out of China before he even got there. With the Games getting closer (just two days away now), the world seemed ready to forget about all the Chinese issues in order to focus on the Games themselves. Unfortunately, China's actions make that impossible. In a time when we should be wondering who will light the Olympic cauldron, whether Michael Phelps can break an all-time record and how Liu Xiang will react to the pressure of 1.3 billion of his countrymen hanging on his every step, we're instead left to discuss the Chinese government's reluctance to allow any dissension in their country, despite repeated promises that they'd clean up their act when the Olympics came to town.
Photo via Getty Images
Perfect. China takes the attention away from Darfur and places it squarely upon China. There hasn't been enough already this Summer Olympic season. Right, there are sports scheduled to happen pretty soon there. A whole bunch of people from all over the world will convene to compete for gold, silver and bronze medals for exhibiting their athletic prowess. I know; this has been scarcely reported, but it's a little gem of fact.
Look for athletes from Team China to arrive in Vancouver for the 2010 Winter Olympics to make noise. They should be present and visible, barring denial of visas by the oppressive Canadian government.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
And in the meantime, I sign on and go to the Dashboard, and there are baby pictures everywhere. Apparently babies are the latest thrill in the world of blogging. People, babies exist. Babies aren't going away. We all were babies once. Some of us were cute; some of us were ugly as sin. This has not changed. I was just reporting to several friends the other day that I check the rolling list of blogs provided here every once in a while and that for the most part they are crap. The family photo album is for baby pictures. Or is it too late for that? Do those no longer exist? Is your kid really so much more important than the kid down the road that he or she should have a special little blog before he or she can speak, let alone use a keyboard to look himself or herself up in cyberspace? And if so, then why do the rest of us have to look?
The Gerber Baby is special. My ex-husband's prep school friend Sam... I met him at a wedding once, maybe his own wedding... His grandfather was the Gerber Baby. Now that is special. If I am wrong, I retract whatever inaccuracy I have spoken here, willingly. I think my memory actually serves in this instance. Someone... Dave...? Tell me if I'm wrong about the facts. About the point, certainly not. If everyone goes around showing their kids' pictures all over the internet, then what is so special anymore about the Gerber Baby, or about movie stars, for that matter? Everyone's a movie star before being able to say "movie star," say nothing about being able to stay awake all the way through Bambi.
If I wake up tomorrow morning and sign on to find a slew of video uploads of Passenger's "Wicked Man's Rest," I will be far happier than I was signing on tonight to a bunch of pasty faced fake bunnies in fuzzy sleeper sets. I'll be happy anyway; I have a fridge again and can eat Cinnamon Crunch with chilly milk.
How about that Montauk Monster? (I figure that's got to be good for some points. Even better: Do you suppose the MONTAUK MONSTER had any BABIES?)